I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
