I like my sex mixed with concussions.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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