I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
