I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
