so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
