I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
