Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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