Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize