you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
