You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
