The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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