We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
