So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
