they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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