I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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