The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
