Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
