How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
