He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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