She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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