In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Drunk is a universal language darling
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