If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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