he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
