There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
