hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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