My balls are so social today.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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