so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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