I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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