I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
