Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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