tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
