ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
