New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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