You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Can't talk, ducks in the car
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
