I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Jerry, you need to find god
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
