Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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