I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
