Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
