mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
