We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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