wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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