i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
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