theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
