Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
my being single is dangerous.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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