your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
