i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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