i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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