I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
