once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
