Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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