1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize