the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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