I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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