Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
