took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
