Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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